CPGM Updates

“The Film Says…” Week 1

Carlos Hyde - USA TODAY Sports
“The Film Says…” Week 1
CPGM Juice

Well it’s that time again. You know it! (“Frank the Tank” voice). It’s time for overreaction theatre starring all you “Monday Morning Quarterbacks” out there. “Fire that guy.” “Cut that guy.” “That guy is a bum.” “I told you that bitch crazy.” – Chris Rock. But everybody just “relax.” Unless of course you don’t have an elite quarterback on your team. Let’s get to “The Film Says.”

Steelers at Patriots
  •  Antonio Brown is too good (9/133/1). Better days ahead for Super Bowl hero Malcolm Brown.
  • DeAngelo Williams lost about 15-20 lbs. in the offseason and the 32-year-old looked spry (21/127); imagine what Le’Veon Bell would have done.
  • Big Ben completed 68% of his passes for 351 yards, imagine what HE would have done if Bell and Martavis Bryant had played.
  • Tom Brady had 4 touchdown passes and only 7 incompletions, hold that Roger!
  • If you don’t challenge Julian Edelman at the line of scrimmage (11/97) you can expect those numbers weekly.
  • The Steelers didn’t account for the one guy you MUST game plan for and they got GRONK’D! (5/94/3)
  • So… the only two legitimate receiving weapons the Patriots currently have are torching you, you can’t get lined up on defense, your pass rush is non-existent and your best cornerback (acquired via trade) Brandon Boykin plays ZERO defensive snaps? Huh? What?
  • Boykin not playing any defensive snaps must have been due to the communication issues the Steelers coaching staff was having…Listen if you ain’t cheating you’re not trying to win. #EnterWordHereGATE
Packers at Bears
  • Same ole Jay Cutler 18/36, 225, 1 TD, 1 INT. Same result against the Packers…”L.”
  • Matt Forte, DFS Star, he owns the Packers (24/141/1) and he left some meat on the bone.
  • Aaron Rodgers threw 3 TDs and 5 incompletions; That’s how it’s done Jay you have to “relax.”
  • It’s like James Jones never left (4/51/2).
Chiefs at Texans
  • Alex Smith 3 TDs!!! WTF!
  • Stop kidding yourself Bill O’Brien, Ryan Mallet may not be the answer (8/13, 98, 1 TD, sacked 1 time) but Brian Hoyer (18/34, 236, 1 TD, 1 INT, fumble lost, sacked 4 times) definitely is NOT.
  • Travis Kelce 6/106/2 GRONKish.
  • J.J Watt had 9 tackles, 2 sacks and SIX tackles for loss! Shocking… Too bad he’s the only Texan defender that showed up.
  • NUK! 9/98/2 he’s the best receiver no one talks about.
Browns at Jets
  • Johnny Manziel (13/24, 186, 1 TD, 1 INT) in relief of a concussed Josh McCown. This might be a historically bad offense.
  • Travis Benjamin (3/89/1) is the Browns’ best receiver. Well Duke Johnson is, but he’s not a receiver. Ugh, did I mention historically bad?
  • Boring but effective (20/91/2) more Chris Ivory please.
Colts at Bills
  • 3 takeaways, 2 sacks, 14 points allowed and a “W” that Bills D can make even the elite quarterbacks look ordinary.
  • Sammy Watkins had zero catches on 3 targets I call that “Vontae Davis.”
  • If only Percy Harvin wasn’t a head case and injury prone (5/79/1).
Dolphins at Redskins
  • So if RGIII gets hurt the Skins are on the hook for $16 million plus. But he’s playing scout team safety….SMH.
  • The greatness that is Kirk Cousins (21/31, 196, 1 TD, 1 INT); I don’t recall any other quarterback in recent memory with more bad film that is lauded as a “great” QB quite like Cousins. Not even Tebow. Another loss.
  • Put on the mask and the utility belt. I see you Alfred (Morris) 25/121.
  • DeSean Jackson injured himself working the sled in training camp…BWAHAHAH! Then he hurt himself running (hamstring). Lol. Tough guy.
  • Jarvis Landry (8/53) with a 69 yard punt return he’s a good one. Redskins continue to fail spectacularly at Special Teams.
Panthers at Jaguars
  • Still waiting to see “good” Blake Bortles (22/40, 183, 1 TD, 2 INTs, 5 sacks).
  • That damn Greg Olsen (1/11)! Killed me in DFS.
Seahawks at Rams
  • Rams 34 Seahawks 31 Rams own Seattle at home.
  • Alright Headley, Nick Foles had a good game (297, 2 TDs, 0 INTs) but don’t think I didn’t notice those two lost fumbles.
  • Tavon Austin (1 Rush TD, 1 Punt Return TD) only plays well against Seattle. Definitely not a receiver, 2 catches for a whopping negative 2 yards.
  • The Rams’ defense sacked Russell Wilson six times led by Robert Quinn (2 sacks) and the fast rising star Aaron Donald (2 sacks).
  • No, no. You don’t get it, Donald is going to be a superstar (9 tackles, 2 sacks, 3 tackles for loss, 3 QB hits). Only in his second season coming off a 9 sack effort in his rookie year. Interior D-linemen aren’t supposed to be this good this fast.
  • So that was supposed to be a pooch kick in OT? Sure looked like you tried to pull a fast one with an onside kick…. You thought a slant was a good idea at the 1 yard line too right? Just a waste down…? Yeah, pooch kick… Not buying it.
Saints at Cardinals
  • The Saints had 48 pass attempts. Come on bruh you were trailing 16-17 with just under 13 minutes left in the 4th quarter.
  • Carson is back (307, 3 TDs)! And Bruce Arians likes it vertical.
  • Andre Ellington (12/69/1) hurt again. If only the Cardinals offense could stay healthy.
  • That damn Mark Ingram…9 rushes, 24 yards.
  • THAT DAMN MARK INGRAM! 8 receptions 98 yards.
  • Brandin Cooks 4 catches 49 yards on 8 targets… I call it “Patrick Peterson.” Good news for Cooks the Bucs are next on the schedule.
Lions at Chargers
  • Don’t forget Phillip Rivers was an MVP candidate for the first 8 weeks of the 2014 season; 86% of his 42 pass attempts were completed for 404 yards, 2 TDs and 2 INTs in a come from behind win.
  • Ameer Abdullah averaged 7.1 yards per rush (1 TD), 11 yards per catch, and 35 yards per kick return. EXPLOSIVE!
  • Danny Woodhead 2 rushing TDs the ultimate pint size vulture.
  • Keenan Allen (15/166), Stevie Johnson (6/82/1), and Ladarius Green (5/74/1) it was a good day.
  • Megatron 2 receptions for 39 yards on a measly 4 targets. That’s a losing formula.
Titans at Buccaneers
  • I told you. No Lovie for Licht.
  • Historic day for Marcus Mariota (209 yards, 4 TDs, 0INTs) with a perfect QB rating. Don’t overreact.
  • Horrific day for Jameis Winston (210 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INTs could have been 4). Don’t overreact.
  • You had nearly six months to prepare for this game. You were at home. You were playing a team that also went 2-14 last season. And you lose 42-14. F outta here. Bucs fan feel free to overreact your coaching staff, GM, offensive line and defense sucks.
  • Lost in this mess was Austin Seferian-Jenkins’ career day 5/110/2. Glass half full? No sir.
Bengals at Raiders
  • Tyler Eifert I admit I missed the boat on this one. I was surprised, many were not.
  • The Raiders lose Week 1 33-13 at home. Many were surprised, I was not.
Ravens at Broncos
  • Oh no Joe Flacco (117, 2 INTs, sacked 2 times). In his defense it’s the regular season and he doesn’t have anyone to throw to.
  • Two excellent defenses in this contest but this wasn’t just a bad game for Peyton Manning (175, 1 INT, sacked 4 times) it is further evidence that the end is near, like at the end of this season. His body has failed him.
  • Jimmy Smith had a pick six as well as Aqib Talib, accounted for the only two touchdowns in this game.
Giants at Cowboys
  • Tony Romo completed 80% of his passes (356, 3 TDs, 2 INTs) despite losing Dez Bryant to injury. Despite his performance (only 1 INT was his fault) Dallas was fortunate to win this one.
  • Tom Coughlin, Eli Manning and Rashad Jennings get your story straight…
Eagles at Falcons
  • JULIO! (9/141/2)
  • Byron Maxwell was abused routinely in this one. $62 million for this? Calm down Juice… Don’t overreact.
49ers at Vikings
  • Adrian Peterson (10/31) in his highly anticipated return. Only had three carries in the first half. WTF. Losing formula.
  • Frank who? (kidding); Carlos Hyde 26/168/2 was phenomenal. Power, speed, vision he made the Vikings defense look bad.
  • Teddy Ball Game (23/32, 231, 1 INT, sacked 5 times). Norv Turner and the offensive line didn’t do him any favors but Bridgewater pooped the bed too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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